Tim's Place

Road Trip to Kansas City

2009-10-27T15:39:00.003-05:00

Who says Iowa is boring? Fort Dodge-Des Moines IA Ryan was irritated that everytime he talked about these tanks, we would respond "You're welcome"

This small hotel in Kansas offered panoramic views of the countryside.

Faith?

2009-10-26T12:23:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in such a long time. It's just that I've been so busy moving up the corporate ladder, discovering all of the marvelous secrets which encompass the debts of my soul and learning several different languages. JUST KIDDING! I haven't been doing JACK.

There was one item in the news lately that has me a bit perplexed. Recently several churches in the Twin Cities announced that until the H1N1 virus scare has passed, parishioners will no longer be extending their hands to share the peace. Is it just me or does this precaution seem to be real slap in the face of God? It's been awhile since I sat in a pew, but I vividly recall that one of the top 10 messages I would hear each Sunday is that we should trust and put our faith in Jesus. How much faith and how much trust can these people really have when they don't believe that their God will protect them from harm when they symbolically pass the peace of God, through a brief touching of hands?

I'd love your comments on this. Maybe I have it all wrong. Are there times we need to trust God, and other times when we need to watch our backs?

H1N1

2009-05-04T15:05:00.000-05:00

Life is a Cake Walk

2009-05-01T16:05:00.004-05:00

Tonight I'll be working the Cake Walk, for a Fun Fair at my daughters school. Basically this means I'll be playing music and shouting out "HEY NUMBER 6....YOU JUST WON YOURSELF A CAKE!"

In many ways, I feel like my life is similar to the cake walk experience. Without a doubt I spend most of my days going in circles. And just when I think the boredom is going to kill me, someone calls my number and presents me with a delightful surprise.

Ok..This may be my lamest posting ever. Cut me some slack though. It's Friday and my brain is all squishy squashy.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Final Baseball Scores from Last Night

2009-05-01T09:11:00.002-05:00

3-1

5-4

7-3

1-0

10-6

4-2

6-5 (11 innings)

Something Uplifting for a Friday!

2009-05-01T08:36:00.000-05:00

Hey, I got a Question for you.

2009-04-30T12:28:00.006-05:00

Last night I was watching the news and realized how completely NUMB and apathetic I've become to the all the terrible things going on in this world. Within the first 10 minutes of the local news, I heard about the Swine Flu, a couple traffic deaths, domestic abuse, unemployment, Michelle Bachman (ugh), foreclosures, cancer etc etc.

After filling my head with all that doom and gloom I did the only thing I could do. I went to the kitchen to track down a fun snack.

When the world is crumbling before our eyes, it's comforting to know that the great taste of Baked Cheetos remains a sure thing.

What do YOU do to cope with all of the bad news?

Is there a way to process tragedy without the help of a tasty cheese snack?

CDC Swine Flu Warning--DO NOT DO THIS!

2009-04-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

Bill Maher on the GOP

2009-04-28T08:07:00.004-05:00

Bill Maher, in an op-ed from Friday's Los Angeles Times:

If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

It's been a week now, and I still don't know what those "tea bag" protests were about. I saw signs protesting abortion, illegal immigrants, the bank bailout and that gay guy who's going to win "American Idol." But it wasn't tax day that made them crazy; it was election day. Because that's when Republicans became what they fear most: a minority.

The conservative base is absolutely apoplectic because, because ... well, nobody knows. They're mad as hell, and they're not going to take it anymore. Even though they're not quite sure what "it" is. But they know they're fed up with "it," and that "it" has got to stop.

Here are the big issues for normal people: the war, the economy, the environment, mending fences with our enemies and allies, and the rule of law.

And here's the list of Republican obsessions since President Obama took office: that his birth certificate is supposedly fake, he uses a teleprompter too much, he bowed to a Saudi guy, Europeans like him, he gives inappropriate gifts, his wife shamelessly flaunts her upper arms, and he shook hands with Hugo Chavez and slipped him the nuclear launch codes.

Do these sound like the concerns of a healthy, vibrant political party?

It's sad what's happened to the Republicans. They used to be the party of the big tent; now they're the party of the sideshow attraction, a socially awkward group of mostly white people who speak a language only they understand. Like Trekkies, but paranoid.

The GOP base is convinced that Obama is going to raise their taxes, which he just lowered. But, you say, "Bill, that's just the fringe of the Republican Party." No, it's not. The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, is not afraid to say publicly that thinking out loud about Texas seceding from the Union is appropriate considering that ... Obama wants to raise taxes 3% on 5% of the people? I'm not sure exactly what Perry's independent nation would look like, but I'm pretty sure it would be free of taxes and Planned Parenthood. And I would have to totally rethink my position on a border fence.

I know. It's not about what Obama's done. It's what he's planning. But you can't be sick and tired of something someone might do.

Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota recently said she fears that Obama will build "reeducation" camps to indoctrinate young people. But Obama hasn't made any moves toward taking anyone's guns, and with money as tight as it is, the last thing the president wants to do is run a camp where he has to shelter and feed a bunch of fat, angry white people.

Look, I get it, "real America." After an eight-year run of controlling the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court, this latest election has you feeling like a rejected husband. You've come home to find your things out on the front lawn -- or at least more things than you usually keep out on the front lawn. You're not ready to let go, but the country you love is moving on. And now you want to call it a whore and key its car.

That's what you are, the bitter divorced guy whose country has left him -- obsessing over it, haranguing it, blubbering one minute about how much you love it and vowing the next that if you cannot have it, nobody will.

But it's been almost 100 days, and your country is not coming back to you. She's found somebody new. And it's a black guy.

The healthy thing to do is to just get past it and learn to cherish the memories. You'll always have New Orleans and Abu Ghraib.

And if today's conservatives are insulted by this, because they feel they're better than the people who have the microphone in their party, then I say to them what I would say to moderate Muslims: Denounce your radicals. To paraphrase George W. Bush, either you're with them or you're embarrassed by them.

The thing that you people out of power have to remember is that the people in power are not secretly plotting against you. They don't need to. They already beat you in public.

The Power of Points

2009-04-17T11:50:00.002-05:00

Last night was one of the first real springlike days in Minnesota. To celebrate, my daughter and I decided to play tennis against the garage door. It was fun and good excersize. The only problem was that occassionally we would hit the ball over the garage and one of us would have to chase it down.

It wasn't long before my 13 year old son, Ryan asked if he could play. So the three of us took turns bouncing the tennis ball off the garage door. When the ball was wacked over the garage I convinced Ryan that chasing down the ball was worth 100 POINTS! Even my daughter, Quinn, was shocked at how well my little plan worked. Ryan was chasing down ever ball that got away. And he ever kept track of all of his points, making sure that I was aware he had more points than his sister.

As smart as teenagers think they are, it's conforting to know they're as gullible as the rest of us.

This is Just Sad

2009-04-16T09:59:00.001-05:00

How to Break the Cycle

2009-04-14T09:31:00.003-05:00

Instead of dwelling on how bored I am, I thought I'd blog about it and share my misery with you, my 2 or 3 readers. (Many newspapers in our country would die for this kind of readship!)

Have you seen the movie Ground Hogs Day? Lately I feel as if I'm Bill Murray's character. Everyday day I get up, shower, get dressed, pack the kids lunches, grab a can of soup for my own lunch, take the same route to work, sit in my beige cubical and answer the same damn questions from customers who call in. NOTHING ever changes.

So I have to ask. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can break from the routine and spice up my life?

Here are a few ideas I'm considering....

*Lace my can of Campbell's Soup with low grade street crack.
*Get dressed before I shower
*End each phone call I receive at work with "I love you big boy!"
*Decorate my cubical with pictures of Charles Nelson Riley. When people ask me why I could say, "I think YOU KNOW WHY!"

That's all I got.

Swedish parishioners unveil Lego statue of Jesus

2009-04-13T10:35:00.010-05:00

04-12) 08:20 PDT STOCKHOLM, (AP) Parishioners at a church in Sweden celebrated Easter on Sunday by unveiling a 6-foot-tall (1.8-meter-tall) statue of Jesus that they had built out of 30,000 Lego blocks.

It took the 40 volunteers about 18 months to put all the tiny plastic blocks together, and their creation shows a standing Jesus facing forward with his arms outstretched.

Church spokesman Per Wilder said the statue at the Onsta Gryta church in the central Swedish city of Vasteras is a copy of Danish sculptor Bertel Thorvaldsen's "Christus" statue on display in Copenhagen.

Members of St Francis, a nearby congreation, admitted to feeling "out done" by their cross town sister church.

St Franics minister Rev Leaf Farni, says when he first heard about the statue he could have kicked himself for spending so much of the last 18 months helping the poor. "Next year the poor are on their own! We intend to build the biggest and most colorful lego statue of Jesus that Sweden has ever seen."

Interesting Headline

2009-04-13T09:25:00.005-05:00

I'm not much of a reader, so usually I get my news by reading just the Headlines. This morning on the CNN website I saw the following...

Obama Declares Fargo a Disaster

I'm curioius now as to whether this story was written before or after the recent flooding. I mean I've been to Fargo and it isn't the most exciting, exotic place on earth, but to call it a disaster just seems to be mean spirited. Damn you Obama!

Street Preachers

2009-04-09T15:08:00.007-05:00

Last week the kids were on Spring Break, so we made the long road trip to Chicago. We had a great time, but what we discovered is that the Windy City is home to worlds largest population of crazy street preachers.

My favorite line came from an old bearded African American man, preaching the gospel on a city bus. Pointing his finger at his fellow passangers, he actually said.. "God is looking for you! I'm telling you friends HE WANTS YOU LIKE HE WANTS A BOWL OF RICE!" WTF?

Jesus Nabbed over Wiener Poopie

2009-04-09T10:33:00.001-05:00

Psycho Funeral Girl!

2009-04-09T10:23:00.002-05:00

A Reason to Smile!

2009-04-09T09:38:00.004-05:00

Saturday's Forcast for St Paul/Minneapolis

60!

My Happy Light

2009-04-08T14:11:00.003-05:00

About 4 years ago, at the suggestion of a therapist, I purchased what is called a "Happy Light". The theory behind this device is that during the winter months, this bright ass light will simulate sunlight and decrease the effects of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Basically S.A.D. is a fancy name for being bummed out by excessive cloudiness.

(Suddenly I'm reminded of my favorite wintertime in Minnesota joke)....

Q What do Minnesota and Cher have in common?
A Neither one is f@$king Sunny anymore.

Back to my light. Instead of improving my mood during those long cold months, this piece of crap has made the situation worse. Ultimately I blame myself for continuing to use this thing, in hopes that the results will change.

Here is what I've observed about the magical light. Without the light I feel depressed. When using the light I have to squint, I feel like a chump for spending $200 on a fricken light AND I'm depressed.

Goodbye forever Happy Light!

To Blog or Not to Blog

2009-04-07T14:33:00.002-05:00

How often do we crave a delicious piece of life, but end up settling for a lousy peanut butter sandwich?

I wrote this, but I'm not smart enough or "deep" enough to understand the meaning. I'm just throwing it out there.

2008-11-13T10:55:00.001-06:00

Weatherman Shows-Off Large Frontal System

2008-11-05T15:38:00.002-06:00

HOPE Wins!

2008-11-05T10:28:00.003-06:00

WOW! What an amazing night.

This may sound strange but last night I sensed that I was getting a taste of what those small town, right wing, religious conservatives, must feel when they boast of being proud of this country.

For too long we have had a President and a Government that has sought out to define the sort of person who enbodies a "true American". We all know the type. And truly there is nothing wrong with those people. The point is that last night in Chicago we were finally reminded that we are ALL American's: black, white, hispanic, gay, straight, right handed, left handed, Neil Diamond lovers, Neil Diamond haters. No longer will we let the white, counrty western lovin, small town livin, pickup truck drivin, church goin folks, stake claim to being the only "true Americans"

I think last night was a wake up call to the Republican party. The message I hope they received was that this country has become too diverse in race, religion, beliefs and values to allow themselves to tailor their message to address the needs of one select group of people.

Victoria Jackson Opens Her Mouth

2008-11-03T11:00:00.002-06:00

Religulous is Fabulous

2008-10-06T09:10:00.003-05:00

Last week I heard a right wing radio host accuse Bill Maher of "attacking God" in his new documentary 'Religulous'. This host and others like him would want us to believe that simply questioning the beliefs of religions like Christianity is a form of dissing the almighty. Come on!!

You would think that people of faith would welcome more of a mainstream focus on their beliefs. Here is their chance to show the world that their religion is based on good solid historical facts and not a bunch of wild fairytales.

As a preachers kid and former Christian, I found Bill Maher's film to be incredibly therapeutic. Over the past decade I've started asking more questions about religion and with the exception of a few people, I've been made to feel guilty for questioning the ways of God.

The real message behind "Religulous" is that it is okay to question. For too long relgious leaders have been allowed to demonize those who would dare question the principles of their beliefs. They have tried to label agnostics and atheists as "immoral", when the truth is that some of the most outrageous forms of immorality, have occured in the name of relgion.

Religulous is not only insightful, but it is incredibly funny. I would go as far as to say that the trailers for this film, do not do it justice. Even my short attention span 12 year old found himself engrossed by this movie.

I Get NO Respect

2008-10-01T10:50:00.002-05:00

Last night I explained to my son, Ryan, that it's normal for him to be feeling more embarrassed of his parents. I also told him about a study I heard about, where scientists have discovered that teens process embarrassment in a different part of the brain than the rest of us.

Ryan's response, "Cool Dad, but how do they explain the fact that I've been embarrassed of you since I was 4?"

UGH!

Palin Says 'Thanks but NO THANKS' to Being Gay

2008-10-01T09:52:00.002-05:00

To be Gay or Not to Gay. That is a choice we've all had to make in our lives. Some of us have made our choice by flipping a coin or by drawing straws, while others seek the advice of a family doctor or insurance agent.

In a interview with CBS anchor Katie Couric, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin addressed her own struggles with this issue.

When asked about her church's decision to sponsor an event called "Pray out the Gay", Palin said, "And you know, I don't know what prayers are worthy of being prayed.... But as for homosexuality, I am not going to judge Americans and the decisions that they make in their adult personal relationships. I have one of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years happens to be gay, and I love her dearly. And she is not my 'gay friend,' she is one of my best friends who happens to have made a choice that isn't a choice I would have made. But I am not going to judge people."

I don't know about Sarah Palin, but when I finally had to make a choice as to my sexual preference, I just sat down and made a list of pros and cons for being gay, as well as a list of pros and cons for being straight. For me be the biggest con for being gay was having to openly voice my love for Cher. I'm sorry, but I just can't imagine putting myself through that sort of pain and embarrassment. So I made the choice to be straight.

I also think we all have to appreciate the fact that Evangelicals like Sarah Palin are not going allow themselves to judge other people. It's so crazy to me that the liberal media wants to insinuate that just because Evangelicals see homosexuality as a perversion that needs to be prayed away to prevent a person from burning in a lake of fire for eternity, that they are somehow being judgemental. Give me a break!

Breaking News

2008-09-12T11:18:00.012-05:00

Just when you thought this presidential campaign couldn't get any more crazy, Ralph Nader has shocked the nation with today's announcement of his Vice Presidential pick.

In front of a small gathering of supporters in his hometown of Winsted Connecticut, Nader told the cheering crowd that he had chosen "Mr Blinky", a black Persian cat from New Jersey as his 2008 running mate.

Immediately after todays announcement, critics from the Republican and Democratic parties, called Nader's choice, "a publicity stunt". John McCain's campaign manager, Rick Davis was the first to tell reporters that "Mr Blinky is a joke. Can you point to anything at all that would lead us to believe that this cat has the experience to be the leader of the free world?"

Nader responded to Davis's statement by challenging the McCain campaign to show one area where Mr. Blinky was less experienced than Sarah Palin. "This is a cat who has walked the streets of Newark, listening to needs of real Americans," said Nader.

PETA spokesperson Angela Redding has praised Naders choice. "I think this is a proud day for cat owners all over this country. Tonight I plan on giving my cat a big hug and letting her know that someday she too could grow up to be Vice Presdient or dare I say, President."

Look for Mr Blinky's exclusive interview with Charlie Gibson of ABC News, this Monday at 8pm Eastern/7pm Central.

September 11th Birthdays

2008-09-10T13:37:00.004-05:00

Kristy McNicol is 45

1970's Teen Idol and star of the TV series "Family"

Larry Christ is 52

Half brother of Biblical Legend, Jesus Christ

This is Funny!

2008-09-10T13:08:00.001-05:00

Priceless

2008-09-09T15:55:00.001-05:00

Photo Caption Contest

2008-09-04T16:06:00.004-05:00

Have a funny caption to go along with this photo? Just click on "Comments" and let me know.

The person who comes up with the BEST caption will win a box of Kashi's Good Friends Cereal. (Good Friend not included.)

Coming Friday to a Theater Near You

2008-09-04T16:02:00.000-05:00

I Have Not Been Putting my Country First.

2008-09-04T10:10:00.006-05:00

I owe you all an apology. Apparently I've been your weak link for some time now. I mean at first it was just the Republicans talking about how they always put their country first. But then Barak Obama pointed out that "We ALL put our country first". Holy Cow!

I have to make a confession right now. I'm pretty sure that I haven't been doing this. Was there a memo? Honestly, had I known that the rest of you guys were doing this Country First thing, I would have been totally on board. I am nothing if not a follower.

Here is just how clueless and selfish I've been. Last week I caved in to the pleading of my children and took them to the Minnesota State Fair. I did this even though I knew fully well that our country was dealing with some pretty tough issues and feeling kind of vulnerable. If I were a true American I would have raced to be with the country I love. But NO. I was instead stuffing my piggish face with hotdogs and cheese curds.

It gets even worse. And I'm almost too ashamed to tell you this. Remember when California was on fire? Oh God. Here it goes. While the west coast of our country was being destroyed by ragging flames of destruction; yours truly was at a Target store in Minneapolis, buying a pack of v neck t shirts.

I am also aware that the country is like 3 Trillion, Zillion dollars in debt. But have I called the IRS and offered to pay more taxes this year. NOOOOOO. Selfish ol me is more interested in paying MY personal bills than I am in helping out the country I love.

Today I want to make a commitment to the country. I will never put you second again! If you need anything at all, give me a call. I love you country!

First Photo Taken of Michael Phelps

2008-09-02T16:03:00.000-05:00

Hypocrites!

2008-09-02T11:27:00.003-05:00

I can honestly say that I don't think any less of Govenor Sarah Palin, after finding out that her 17 year daughter is pregnant. In a way it makes her seem more human and "real".

What I am surprised about is the loving support for Palin, coming from Christian conservatives. I saw an interview with a gentleman at the RNC who said, "It is not for us judge, but to show our love." He went on to say that the pregnancy was a family matter that was really none of our business.

I happen to agree with this man. What I don't understand is why these same right wing Christians can't be as non-judgemental when it comes to people who don't share their same beliefs. Had Chelsea Clinton been a teen mother, the right surely would have pointed to this as a deterioration of our moral fiber.

I also wonder if the response from conservative Christians would have been the same, if Palin's daughter had decided to get an abortion. Would they still claim that this is a "family matter, which is none of our business."? I doubt it.

Vice Presidential Hotties

2008-09-02T11:10:00.008-05:00

While I'm not ready to make an opinion on John McCain's choice for a running mate. I think it is clear to all American's that Sarah Palin would be the best looking Vice President since Spiro Agnew.

What Happens in the Woods-Stays in the Woods!

2008-08-15T09:04:00.002-05:00

His Heart was in the Wrong Place

2008-08-15T08:36:00.004-05:00

KSTP TV St Paul:

A Woodbury teenager who won the support of an entire community after surviving a heart transplant is now accused of plotting a murder.

Woodbury Police said 19-year-old Andrew Busskohl picked his victim at random and carefully planned how to kill him.

"Someone tried to murder me. They were one step away from murdering me," said Jim Fratto.

Fratto said he was asleep last Wednesday when he heard his patio window being smashed in around 1:30 a.m.

Investigators said the window was the first step in a detailed plan to kill Fratto.

According to the criminal complaint, a friend of Busskohl's called police the same day and tipped them off that Busskohl had come up with a plan to kill someone. He allegedly told his friend he'd wear a swim cap, latex gloves and shoe coverings.

"He was going to come in, cut out my heart, cut off my eyelids and slash my throat," said Fratto.

Investigators searched Busskohl's car and found, among other items, a swim cap, latex gloves, shoe-coverings and a map to Fratto's house.

Busskohl is now undergoing a court ordered psychiatric evaluation. Prosecutors charged him with felony attempted burglary and harrassment with possession of a dangerous weapons.

This makes me wonder who's heart this guy received in the transplant surgery.

In an apparently unrelated story, it was announced this week that Suddam Hussain had checked "Organ Donor" on his Drivers License.

I THINK I'm back

2008-08-13T10:49:00.004-05:00

Vacation was SO relaxing!

Last week we rented a cabin near Nowhere Falls Wisconsin. For those of you unfamiliar with Nowhere Falls, it is about 30 miles north of Where The Hell Are We Twonship and 20 miles directly east of NobodyLivesHereVille.

The thing I loved the most about being so isolated, was the chance to actually hear myself think. It made me realize how seldom I take the time to allow myself to simply listen to the sound of the universe. Now, I've talked to some of the smart people I know, and when they listen to the universe, they are able to pick up on some incredibly deep and profound realizations. In my case, when I am at peace with the world and opened to the messages that whisper through the gentle breezes, I hear things like, "Hey, you should go get another beer. This beer is tastey!" and "Too bad that the fridge is waaaay over there on that side of the room. That's where the beer is kept."

As enjoyable as I found being in the middle of nowhere, it's really good to be home!

The WORST Baby Shower Cake Ever!

2008-07-31T12:04:00.002-05:00

Blog Therapy

2008-07-28T14:58:00.002-05:00

Do you ever get stuck inside your own head? That's where I've been for some time now. And let me just say it's not the most enjoyable place to be stuck. I mean I'd almost rather be stranded in Indiana than inside my big ol melon. My head is plumb full of stuff like, guilt, shame, fear, uncertainty. apathy and butterscotch (That last item surprised me too)

I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world with a head full of junk. It's just that sometimes I'd swear that NO one is more inept than I am at managing all of the stuff going on up there. If only there was a way to schedule a pick-up with my local sanitation department, so they could take all that garage to the dump. Life would be a lot easier. Or maybe it would make more sense to recycle all this crap. I could neatly arrange all of my character flaws into individual bins and let them be dumped into some other poor bastards head. SOMEONE like that Pat Sajack guy from Wheel of Fortune. He is one person who's had it WAY to easy for too many years. I'd love to see Pat try to keep track of who has the "Free Spin" card, when he has a head full of junk!

Tonight I suggest we all take a break from dealing with the junk in our heads. Write down ALL of your troubles on a piece of paper and send them CBS Studios in Burbank California, in care of Pat Sajack.

Packer Day Care

2008-07-28T08:40:00.001-05:00

So Much for Winning Parent of the Year!

2008-07-25T12:07:00.002-05:00

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) - Former Minnesota Vikings defensive lineman Darrion Scott has received a two-year stayed sentence for putting a plastic bag over his 2-year-old son's head.

Scott also was fined $200. He pleaded guilty earlier this month to child endangerment and called his actions "stupid and reckless."

Scott said he put the plastic bag over his son's head to show the boy there was nothing to fear.

If Scott does not violate terms of his probation, the gross misdemeanor will be reduced to a misdemeanor.

Scott was a third-round pick in the 2004 NFL draft and played 48 games with the Vikings. He is now a free agent.
(Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

July 22nd Birthdays

2008-07-22T08:13:00.007-05:00

Alex Trebek is 68

Longtime host of TV's "Jeopardy" gameshow.

Christian Lezano is 30

When life gets too hectic, Christian enjoys the quiet solitude of camping in the great outdoors.

Monday

2008-07-21T10:20:00.005-05:00

What a beautiful day! It's mid summer. There is a slight breeze in the air. The bright sunshine and crystal blue skys, harken me from my eighth floor window. (Did you notice I used the word "harken"? I'm turning into to fricken Shakespear!")

I can't tell you how badly I wish I was outside. If only I could find a way to escape from the pathetic confines of my cubical. HELP!

Of course there are those optomistic people who will say, "just be happy that you have a job." To these people I'd like to say "SUCK IT!"

I'll let you guys know if I find a way to get out of here. Hope you all have a great day!

Dumb Question

2008-07-16T11:36:00.002-05:00

I was thinking about this last night and thought I'd pose the question on my blog. If the U.S. were to develop a car which ran on nothing but urine, what would self service fueling stations look like?

July 16th Birthdays

2008-07-16T11:21:00.006-05:00

Will Ferrell is 41

"Saturday Night Live" almnus and star of "Anchorman" and "Elf"

Sgt John Walters is 23

Despite following the Army's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, John gets the sneaky suspicion that others have figured out he's gay.

SUCKS is such a funny word!

2008-07-14T13:56:00.000-05:00

Motivational Posters

2008-07-09T14:25:00.004-05:00

Watermelon May Be the NEW Love Drug

2008-07-08T15:19:00.003-05:00

3/07/2008
A slice of cool, fresh watermelon has effects similar to the impotence drug Viagra, researchers say.

Watermelons contain an ingredient called citrulline that can trigger production of a compound that helps relax the body's blood vessels, similar to what happens when a man takes Viagra, said scientists in Texas, one of the United States' top producers of the seedless variety.

Found in the flesh and rind of watermelons, citrulline reacts with the body's enzymes when consumed in large quantities and is changed into arginine, an amino acid that benefits the heart and the circulatory and immune systems.

**Research also suggests that a side helping of Baked Beans with your Watermelon, may be the recipe for some potentially EXPLOSIVE sex.

Slow Children

2008-07-08T14:15:00.000-05:00

This sign has been in front of our house for years, but it wasn't until this morning that I really took a good look at it. Doesn't this seem odd?

What?

2008-07-08T10:10:00.002-05:00

Lately I can't seem to watch the news without getting irritated. It's like people in the media or in politics think the average citizen is an idiot. Here are a couple of examples...

This morning I was listening to the national news on the radio. One of the top stories was about the severe heat in California. (Today temperatures are expected to be above 100 degrees.) Anyway, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called a press conference where he announced that people should "seek shade and drink water". THANKS ARNOLD! If it wasn't for you, people would be standing in the sun and drinking piping hot coffee.

Over the weekend I heard a news report that said that injuries related to Fireworks, were way down in the Twin Cities this year. The reporter went on to say that annually hospitals receive more Fireworks injuries on the 4th of July than any other day out of the year. GET OUT OF TOWN! The next thing she's going to tell me is that the majority of Valentine's day cards are given out on February 14th.

2008-07-07T15:09:00.002-05:00

It's official!! My life is too boring to be worthy of a Blog.

British student gets credit for expletive on exam

2008-07-02T09:54:00.002-05:00

06-30) 17:22 PDT LONDON, United Kingdom (AP) --
A British high school student received credit for writing nothing but a two-word obscenity on an exam paper because the phrase expressed meaning and was spelled correctly.

The Times newspaper on Monday quoted examiner Peter Buckroyd as saying he gave the student — who wrote an expletive starting with f, followed by the word "off" — two points out of a possible 27 for the English paper.

"It would be wicked to give it zero because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for, like conveying some meaning and some spelling," Buckroyd was quoted as saying.

"It's better than someone that doesn't write anything at all."

Buckroyd said the student would have received a higher mark if the phrase had been punctuated.

During the course of the school year, this student had also submitted and received points for the following essays... "Kiss My Ass Mother F$@ker", "F your F'n family" "I will kill you teacher" and "I've got your history paper RIGHT HERE!"

Shhhh

2008-07-02T08:08:00.002-05:00

Life is way to hectic. Today, take some time. Even if it's just a couple of minutes, to just be quiet. I find that it's during these rare moments of peace that I can actually hear myself think and fully appreciate all of the things that are truly important in life.

Have a great day! Tim

Aliens LOVE Wisconsin

2008-06-30T12:01:00.005-05:00

Admittedly this hasn't been the most action packed summer for the family. Somehow we just never got around to planning a full fledged vacation. Instead we've entertained ourselves on the weekends by taking short day trips to some of the most amazing destinations in the Midwest. This weekend was NO exception as we loaded up the Honda and headed to Elmwood Wisconsin, the UFO capital of the World. (Well, some websites say it's the UFO capital of the world, other designate the town as the UFO capital of Wisconsin. Either way-It's one happening place.)

The green rolling hills along highway 128, were a refreshing reprieve from the buildings of St Paul. Although the kids were less interested in the scenery and more focused on finding themselves an alien.

The sign welcoming visitors to Elmwood put the population of the town at 841 people. By the looks of things, most of Elmwood's residents had been abducted by space ships and were living on distant planets. Nearly every store on main street was closed, with the exception of Big Dick's Tap and Eatery. It was eery. THEN it happened. Ryan pointed in the direction of a shiney object hovering off the ground. My hands shook as I snapped this photo of what I believe to be a UFO. You deside for yourself.

June 30th Birthdays

2008-06-30T10:10:00.004-05:00

Mike Tyson is 42

Professional Boxer, convicted of rape and bit off Evander Holyfields ear.

Shirley Tut is 32

Great Great Great Great Great Great Granddaughter of the legendary King Tut of Egypt.

German man torches car to protest high gas prices

2008-06-27T15:59:00.002-05:00

The Associated Press

BERLIN -- A German man doused his BMW with gasoline and torched it on Friday in protest at skyrocketing fuel costs, police said. The unemployed 30-year-old man drove the black 1995 BMW 3-series sedan onto the lawn outside Frankfurt's convention center grounds at about 7:30 a.m., police spokesman Karlheinz Wagner said.

He then jumped out, emptied a canister of gas over the vehicle, and set fire to it, Wagner said.
By the time the fire department got to the scene, the car was entirely burned out.

The Bavarian man, whose name was being withheld because he has not been charged with a crime, told police that gas prices were so high he could no longer afford to drive the vehicle.
As in many countries, gasoline prices have risen steadily in Germany; a liter of regular gasoline now costs about euro1.55, or $9.40 per gallon.

Police say this man was involved in a similar incident in 2003, when he protested the rising price of cat food. The family cat, Skittles would have bee n 11 years old in May.

2008-06-26T16:21:00.001-05:00

June 26th Birthdays

2008-06-26T16:06:00.004-05:00

Derek Jeter is 34

Shortstop for the New York Yankees

Alice Dormadinger is 74

Even at 74, Alice delights in handing out her nude photos to complete strangers.

Quinn Quote

2008-06-24T16:21:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend we took a trip up to my mom's house on Lake Superior. This is her last week living on the lake, as she will be moving to the Twin Cities on Monday. The thing my kids will miss most about the lake is standing out on those massive rocks and tossing rocks into the cold waters.

As we stood on the shore of the lake, my daughter announced that she was sad that grandma was leaving ALL THIS. I responded by saying one of those dumb parent things: "Quinn, Whenever one door closes, another door opens." Quinn looked at me and said, "yeah dad, except Grandma's NEW door will be opening into a mud room"

You got love em!

And He's Still Smiling!

2008-06-24T09:28:00.000-05:00

It's Friday!

2008-06-20T13:57:00.004-05:00

I AM SO READY TO GO HOME!! I just need to make it through the next two hours of work. As I type this from my cozy cubical it's about 2:30pm (CT) on a Friday afternoon. You'll notice in the blurry picture to the left, that my desk is a big mess. If you look even closer at the photo, you'll see that I'm enjoying an afternoon snack, consisting of Diet Dr Pepper, Low Fat Pita Chips AND a Fat Free Dairy Queen Fudge Bar, that a co-worker brought in. (My stomach feels weird)

The time is now 2:36pm on a Friday afternoon. The clock is moving so slow.

Well, my brain is kind of mushy, so I'm going to just wish you all a great weekend.

June 20th Birthdays

2008-06-20T09:57:00.006-05:00

Nicole Kidman is 41

Talented Australian Actress, once married to Tom Cruise.

Kevin and Josh Diquacoo are 18

Twin brothers and young authors of the book, "100 Fun Things to Do with your Right Hand"

Gays Threaten the Sanctity of Divorce

2008-06-18T15:11:00.002-05:00

Here we go again! Once again the gays in this country have pulled the wool (or fun silky satin) over our collective eyes. When will we learn? WAKE UP AMERICA!

As right wing conservatives battle the apparent movement afoot in the the homosexual community to permit same sex marriage, gays are quietly sneaking in back doors and taking aim at one of America's oldest institutions: Divorce. That's right my friend. Now that gays are allowed to recite those cherrished words "I Do!", it won't be long before they're insisting on echoing the same words that God fearing, straight men and women have proclaimed for years, "I want a divorce you scum sucking loser".

What would legendary country singer Tammy Wynette say if she were alive to see this push for same sex divorce? In Wynette's beautifully written song, D I V O R C E, she eliquently describes the special hurt that divorce brings to a Man and a Woman...

"Our D.I.V.O.R.C.E becomes final todayMe and little J.O.E will be goin' awayI love you both and it will be pure H.E double L for meOh, I wish that we could stop this D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

There is no way that Tammy Wynette could have imagined that some day the sanctity of divorce would be trampled on by those wanting to claim this right as their own.

While many worry about what same sex separations mean for society, divorce lawyers are terrified at what this will mean for their livelihood. John Wihlmont, a leading attorney in the midwest told the AP; "I'm expecting the worse. Just yesterday I had two potential clients tell me that they are having second thoughts about legally dissolving their marriages. One of the clients told me that he was brought up to believe that divorce was meant for a man and a woman. The thought of same sex partners divorcing serves to cheapen the whole experience for him. As a form of protest he has decided to stay with his wife of 43 years."

June 18th Birthdays

2008-06-18T09:14:00.008-05:00

Paul McCartney is 66
Lead singer for the band "Wings" and apparently some other band, back in the 60's.

Jackson Keats is 3
Wishes he could find the right words to explain to his Grandma Gigi that the big Memorial Day parade was LAST month.

L.A. Cops-Perfect AGAIN!

2008-06-17T14:29:00.002-05:00

The Los Angeles Police Department announced in April that it had investigated 320 complaints against its officers last year for alleged "racial profiling" and found that not a single one was valid. The Los Angeles Times reported that that was at least the sixth consecutive year that LAPD reported a perfect record on racial profiling. [Los Angeles Times, 4-30-08]

Los Angeles Police Captain, Dwight "Whitey" Samuels told reporters that he is proud to be part of such a fair department.

Separated At Birth?

2008-06-17T12:40:00.006-05:00

June 17th Birthdays

2008-06-17T12:31:00.006-05:00

Barry Manilow is 62
Legendary entertainer. Recorded "I Write the Songs"

Gladys Johnson is 57

Stunned to learn that she is 5 years younger than Barry Manilow

A Summer of FUN!

2008-06-17T11:58:00.003-05:00

This weekend the kids were desperate to do something fun. Unfortunately, Disney Land isn't in our buget this year. Thankfully we were able to find something ALMOST as enjoyable. We all hopped in the car and drove up to the corner of Snelling Avenue and Hwy 94 in St Paul. Here Health Partners is displaying their new mascot. I don't know if the mascot has a name, but I like to call him, Kenny The Large Cup O Urine. Just look how happy the kids are!

Catholics Have the Most Fun

2008-06-13T14:09:00.001-05:00

Question For You

2008-06-12T09:41:00.005-05:00

He's back! This Friday marks the return of the Incredible Hulk.

It appears from the trailers for this movie, that the Hulk's anger management classes have done very little. He looks greener, bigger and madder than ever! In this latest film, Ed Norton has been cast as the guy who transforms into the Hulk, whenever he gets really pissed off. Like in the scene where he orders the Number 4 Combo Meal from Taco Bell, only to be given a Number 3 Combo meal in error. What transpires next is an ugly, violent rampage in which the Hulk beats Kenny, the Taco Bell drive thru worker, to death with a Burrito Supreme.

My question is this. What actor or actress would you most like to see cast as the lead in The Incredible Hulk?

**The person who submits the best answer will receive a $5 gift certificate to the McCleary VFW Club in McCleary Washington. (Note that this offer is not good for Friday nights Fish Fry)

June 12th Birthdays

2008-06-12T09:01:00.008-05:00

Marv Albert is 67

Basketball anouncer who overcame a personal scandal.

Karyn Mitchel is 21

With the help of her team mate and boyfriend, Josh, Karyn takes first place in this years Orlando Urine drinking contest.

2008-06-11T14:42:00.000-05:00

June 11th Birthdays

2008-06-11T10:13:00.008-05:00

Joe Montana is 52

Hall of fame quaterback from the San Francisco 49ers.

Ethan Cantrel is 37

As part of his "Confronting Schizophrenia" support group, Ethan reads from his essay, detailing his paranoia issues and an unexplainable fear that he is being followed by a woman with a camera.

2008-06-11T09:50:00.000-05:00

Mow Me Away

2008-06-09T15:32:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite things about Summertime is being able to go out to the garage and crank up the old Toro! (NO, this is not a euphemism) I actually love mowing the lawn. It's like a loud but serene vacation for the mind. And USUALLY there is nothing anyone can do to ruin it for me. As the mower blades rumble through the long strands of green, my kids will try to confront me about yet another sibling squable they're having. From my vantage point, behind the mower, all I know is that their lips are flopping and they appear to be quite cross. At this, I just point to my ear and give them the international signal for, "I don't know what the hell your saying." They throw up their arms and stump angrily away, leaving me to my blissful mowing.

The other great thing about mowing is that I'm always confident that this is a job I won't mess up. It's not like art, taxes or brain surgery, where one little mistake will cause someone to put up a big fuss. I could purposely miss cutting an entire row of grass and no one would even care. But the second I open up a person's skull and do some incorrect rewiring, theyre all in a tizzy. Well, that is, IF they still have their verbal skills intact. I would suck at brain surgery. At mowing I am a ROCK STAR.

June 6th Birthdays

2008-06-06T08:19:00.008-05:00

Sandra Bernhard is 53

Off the wall comedian, actress, singer and author

Brett Clarkson is 29

Recently moved into this $1,700 a month efficiency apartment in the heart of New Yorks business district.

New International Symbol for Gasoline

2008-06-05T09:33:00.000-05:00

Obama Rally in St Paul

2008-06-04T09:18:00.013-05:00

What a night! There's nothing like standing in a line, over 16 blocks long, for nearly 3 hours. Okay, I can't say I'd describe it as fun, but in some ways I found it to be quite spiritual. I know that sounds corny, but it was one of those rare times in life where I felt like I was part of something bigger. The evening was made all that more special in that I was able share this experience with my daughter Quinn. I was impressed that at 9 years old, she was still able to appreciate the historical significants of what was going on.

The irronic thing is that we never made it inside the arena to wittness Barack Obama giving his speech. The X-Cel Energy center reached its 20 thousand person capacity, leaving us and an estimated 15 thousand other people outside to view the event on a jumbo screen. It was interesting to me that no one in the mamoth line, which wound through the streets of downtown St Paul, appeared at all upset that they wouldn't have a seat in the arena. It seemed to me that the importance of this gathering went way beyond the political asperations of a single man. It was about people wanting to believe in a common good and of a government that was for the people. Is Obama part of the answer? I don't know, but he does offer something that the current administration does not. Hope.

22 Worst Place Names IN THE WORLD!

2008-06-03T09:13:00.005-05:00

22. Cockburn, Western Australia

21. Twatt, Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland The Shetland Islands,

20. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand

19. Muff, Ireland

18. Looneyville, Texas

17. Titty Hill, Sussex, England

16. Thong, Kent, England

15. Gravesend, Kent, England

14. Wetwang, Yorkshire

13. Spread Eagle, Wisconsin

12. Bald Knob, Arkansas

11. Cockup, Cumbria, England

10. Whiskey Dick Mountain, Washington State

9. Hookersville, West Virginia

8. Hell, Michigan

7. Toad Suck, Arkansas

5. Horneytown, North Carolina

4. Shitterton, Dorset, England

3. Disappointment, Kentucky

2. Fucking, Austria

1. Whakapapa New Zealand Why is this the worst place name in the world? In Maori, the native language of New Zealand, the “wh” sound is pronounced “f”. Say it aloud in your office and see what happens.

Springtime in Minnesota!

2008-05-22T09:36:00.006-05:00

2008-05-21T08:32:00.001-05:00

May 20th Birthdays

2008-05-20T11:50:00.007-05:00

Cher is 62

Actress and Pop music Super Star

Sharon Kowalski is 53

Kowalski, a longtime Hollywood makeup artist is taken by surprise when meeting with her client, Cher, for a "pre makeup" breakfast.

No Merit Badges for this Mom

2008-05-20T10:25:00.007-05:00

(05-16) 17:16 PDT Easton, Pa. (AP) --

A former Bethlehem woman will serve up to 23 months in prison for having her son dress up as a Cub Scout to collect money for a nonexistent cause.

Sally Ann Gombocz told a Northampton County judge she wanted to apologize to anyone she hurt. She previously pleaded guilty to theft by deception and corruption of a minor.

Gombocz had her son dress as a scout in 2003 and tell people he was raising money for a camping trip. A prosecutor says the family collected $69.

Police believe that Sally Ann's son, Jeb, would have conned even more people out of their money, if it wasn't for the fact that he was 63 years old at the time of the charade.

May 19th Birthdays

2008-05-19T15:45:00.004-05:00

Kevin Garnett is 32

NBA All-Star and member of the Boston Celtics

Bennett Kellog is 66

Bennett (pictured on the right) and brother Lyle are best known for making beautiful music back in the 1980's. You probably know them best as Air Supply.

14 Tons or Oreo Cookies Snarl Traffic

2008-05-19T15:26:00.004-05:00

(05-19) 06:00 PDT Morris, Ill. (AP) --
Police say a trailer loaded with 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos has overturned, spilling the cookies still in their plastic sleeves into the median and roadway.

Illinois State Police Sgt. Brian Mahoney says the truck's driver was traveling from Chicago to Morris on Interstate 80 around 4 a.m. Monday when he fell asleep at the wheel and slammed into the median.

"The boxes came out of the trailer and boxes were ripped open," he said.

The crash about 50 miles southwest of Chicago remains under investigation.

Mahoney (pictured here on his motorcycle) says no charges have been filed but both lanes of traffic remain closed while authorities remove the cookies.

When asked by reporters, Mahoney was at a loss to explain his excessive weight gain, since Monday's crash.

Hmmm?

2008-05-14T10:28:00.000-05:00

May 13th Birthdays

2008-05-13T15:13:00.011-05:00

Steven Colbert is 44

Political Satirist and host of "The Colbert Report", on Comedy Central

Kevin Teplitz is 22

Claims to feel "totally waisted" after just one bottle of A&W Cream Soda.

My First Fishing Report of 2008

2008-05-13T14:44:00.005-05:00

My daughter and I have decided that this year we are going to visit as many metro area lakes as humanly possible. Our goal is to find ourselves the perfect fishing spot.

In an effort to keep track of where we've been, I thought it might be helpful to post our reviews of each lake, right here on the Blog.

Here is our first ever Fishing Hole Critique....

Como Lake-St Paul Minnesota

Positives: This lake, nestled in St Paul's Como Park neighborhood is in a beautiful location for an afternoon of bobber watching. Occasionally there is even live music in the Como Band Shell.

Negatives: THERE ARE NO DAMN FISH IN THIS FRICKEN LAKE! Okay, we're basing our analysis on one afternoon, but in 3 hours of fishing, neither one of us had so much as a nibble on our line.

Hey Bubba! Your Limo has Arrived!

2008-05-12T09:34:00.000-05:00

Rejected CNN Pie Chart

2008-05-12T09:20:00.000-05:00

The Perfect Mothers Day Gift

2008-05-08T08:31:00.003-05:00

From the makers of Robo Wipe!

Reverend Wright-ENOUGH already

2008-05-01T09:44:00.006-05:00

It's EVERYWHERE I turn! Radio-TV-Newspapers-Blogs. The subject: Reverend Wright. People want to know: What will he say next? Why did he say what he said? Does Obama secretly believe in the words of Reverend Wright? Boxers or briefs?

My question is this; How did we get to the point, where we actually care about this stuff? And why do the words of this minister carry any more weight than the words of any other loony members of the clergy. I could be wrong but I don't recall people like Sean Hannity having little hissy fits when these words were spoken...

Spiritual Leaders

“AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals” -Jerry Falwell

"(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." –Pat Robertson

“(re: 9/11 attacks) "...throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen."” -Jerry Falwell

Here's how I see it. Reverend Wright was the minister of one single church in Illinois. Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell have been courted by politicians from John McCain to George Bush and have an enormous following. It seems as if a certain segment of our media is fine with people like Robertson and Falwell, pointing their self righteous fingers at certain groups of individuals. But Rev Wright is framed as being anti American and full of hate for directing angry remarks towards our government. YES, he's a little loony. But this is nothing new. Why the fuss?

Iran calls Barbie 'destructive'

2008-04-29T08:19:00.008-05:00

By Ali Akbar Dareini, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

TEHRAN, Iran - A top Iranian judiciary official warned Monday against the "destructive" cultural and social consequences of importing Barbie dolls and other western toys.

Iranian markets have been inundated with smuggled western toys in recent years partly due to a dramatic rise in purchasing power as a result of increased oil revenues.

While importing the toys is not necessarily illegal, it is discouraged by a government that seeks to protect Iranians from what it calls the negative effects of western culture.

*Now for the Iranian Community Calendar...

A reminder that the pre teen Suicide Bomber training class is being held the second Tuesdays of each month at the Tehran Rec Center on 3rd Street. Lunch will be provided. (BYOE-Bring Your Own Explosives)

Not so Great Logos

2008-04-28T10:57:00.007-05:00

Football Seats Mark Man's Grave

2008-04-23T08:31:00.000-05:00

MOUNT LEBANON, Pa. — Paul Wellener's family found the perfect marker for his grave: two blue plastic seats from the Three Rivers Stadium auction. Wellener, a lifelong football fan and a Pittsburgh Steelers season ticket holder for 42 years, died unexpectedly on March 16. Wellener's son, Paul, and widow, Mary Ann, bought three pairs of stadium seats for $2,100 at an auction — and knew they had found the perfect gravestone.

Question... What item would you choose to mark your own grave, which would let people know exactly what you were passionate about in life?

I'm Back!

2008-04-22T11:39:00.000-05:00

It's been so long since my last post that I completely forgot my password for logging into Blogger. I apologize for just dropping off the face of the earth like that. My excuse--LAZINESS. Well, maybe it was laziness and apathy. I seem to go through these stretches in life where I just don't care. Know what I mean?

Today the sun is shinning and it actually feels like spring in Minnesota. I've decided not to allow myself to dwell on anything bad in the world: Not the Iraq war, the economy or the fact that I'm at work and for lunch I've brought Low Sodium, Low Fat, Low Taste Campbell's Chicken with Rice Soup for lunch for the 5th day in a row. Things could be a lot worse.

It would be great to hear from everyone, so if you happen to drop by I'd love it if you could leave a comment.

Have a great day!

Tim

What's the Question?

2006-09-14T16:41:00.000-05:00

Instead of providing a Question of the Day, I thought it might be more interesting if I supply the Answer and you in turn supply the Question. The person with the best Question will receive a $5 gift certificat from The Cremation Society of Minnesota.

And the Answer is......

The Shriner's Parade in Milwaukee